I started writing this last year (time stamp is 28 June 2017), then decided not to post it. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe because I hate advertising when I'm uncomfortable (I tend to view my discomfort as weakness, and insecurities as cop-outs), but upon further reflection, that's not being fair to myself. I'm entitled to my feelings, my experiences, and my viewpoints. So on that note, here's my unfortunately-still-relevant take on sexual harassment, first-hand.
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Last summer (early June 2017) I got catcalled when I was walking from my office to meet Ev for lunch. The guy rolled up next to me in his big red truck with the window rolled down, leaned over and informed me that I have a "nice ass".
Objectively, there was nothing overtly threatening about the encounter. He was in a car and I was on the sidewalk. He drove away when I looked at him and spread my hands in the universal "what the hell" gesture. There was minimal opportunity for physical escalation. He didn't proposition me.
But I felt undeniably violated.
I've been trying to put my finger on what it was about this brief encounter than left me feeling defiled. The analytical part of me wants to take context into account, give him the benefit of the doubt that his intent wasn't to creep me out. But the rest of me can't. There is no way that interaction had someplace to go; there was no way to continue the conversation, no chance in hell I was going to get into the truck, and no real way for me to extract myself. The entire interaction was on his terms and I had no say in the matter.
But seriously, in what universe is that supposed to be considered a compliment? It what universe does that do anything but make me feel threatened?
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A few weeks ago, my coworker and I walked from our office to a nearby coffee shop. It was a nice day, so we went the long way around (turned the 5 minute walk into a 10 minute walk). And as we turned down the street, a car with two middle-age guys slowly pulled out of an empty parking lot in front of us, proceeded to roll down both windows and drove very, very slowly down the middle of the road in front of us. We started walking slower, and they stopped the car in the street, waited until we got close, then started rolling forward again.
So we ducked into a random framing store that we'd never set foot in before. The owner stuck her head out, and we went "sorry, we're hiding from these creeps who are following us. Can we stay here for a few minutes?"
The fucked up thing is that I bet every woman I know has a similar story. Or, let's be honest, stories. Because that is the world we live in.
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The concern I've heard voiced again and again by men (sorry, boys, I'm not trying to pick on you, it's just that this particular issue splits primarily along gender lines) is "How do you differentiate flirting from harassment?"
Good question.
Some things may be considered totally fine if you're into each other, but creepy as hell if it's unwanted. So, and listen carefully here: both parties have a responsibility to communicate when they aren't interested. Guy hits on us at a bar and we want none of it? Great. Nonverbal communication is nice, albeit not always clear enough (some people are just oblivious). Shake your head, walk away, ignore them. Use your words and tell him you're not interested. Fuck it, lie and say you have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Also, never, ever touch the other person if they wave off your advances (I'll get to that in a minute).
The flaw in this logic is that it only works if the offending person accepts and respects the other's disinterest. And that seems to be where issues arise. Some people have a hard time reading (or respecting) non-verbal cues. That said, if someone tells you they're not interested but you persist in your advances, you've crossed the line between flirting and harassment. The romcom's are a lie; persistence is not an ok way to get the girl.
Note that I'm not saying "sexual harassment." Sexual harassment has a pretty specific definition that originated in the context of workplace discrimination. Harassment, on the other hand, describes behavior that "annoys, threatens, alarms, or puts a person in fear for their safety." Basically, if the attention is unwanted, unwelcome, uninvited, AND threatening, offensive or demeaning, it qualifies as harassment. Notice the "and" in there. Someone talking your ear off and not taking your subtle hints to go away isn't harassing you unless they're also propositioning you, intimidating you, touching you or orienting themselves in a way to prevent you from leaving. It's that touching thing I mentioned. And following someone around pestering them for a date, showing up at their work, home, or whatever is harassment and stalking, which is a very unsexy combination.
The point I'm trying to make is that the legal definition of harassment is pretty clear. Flirting in the normal, healthy sense is absolutely not harassment. And if you want to put a stop to (most) unwanted flirting, say so. Remember, subtlety is not key here. Again, romcom's are a lie and you should not under any circumstance show up at someone's house with a boombox to get them to go on a date with you.
If you're feeling feisty, you can always take a page out of my book and keep some fairly brutal comebacks in your back pocket.
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I have a radical suggestion when it comes to harassment: don't make assumptions.
Don't assume that the other party means anything other than what they say, especially if they're trying to extract themselves from the situation. Don't assume they're comfortable enough to tell you to fuck off.
Don't assume you have a right to someone's time or attention.
Don't assume that what someone is wearing (short skirt, tight shirt, whatever) gives you permission to proposition them or flirt.
Don't assume that you have a right to touch someone. Hand, arm, back, whatever. Remember that legal definition of harassment? Touching can push you over the line between annoying and threatening. So no touching unless the flirting is being reciprocated.
And for the party on the receiving end of the unwanted attention?
Don't assume the annoying flirty guy is picking up on your signals to back the fuck off. Get up and walk away. Go to the bathroom. Make the random person on your other side your new best friend. Use you words. Say "not interested." You don't need to be polite, and frankly, being labelled a bitch isn't the end of the world. Take it from me, it's kind of fun.
Don't assume that the boisterous dude hitting on you and touching your arm is trying to be intimidating. He's probably not, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Move his hand. Step back. Tell him to not touch you. If he's not a piece of shit, he'll respect your space once he knows you don't want him in it.
Don't assume that ignoring someone will make them go away. Don't assume that you're safe. Don't assume that everyone who gives you unwanted attention is an asshole. Don't assume that they're not.
While I'm at it, don't follow people down the street or catcall them. It's not a compliment. It's not flattering. It's not welcome. Ever.
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As a woman, being upfront and blunt about your interest is hard. We often have to weigh the potential threat level before we even open our mouths. Where are the exits? Is there someone around who might help me if things don't go well? Can I outrun him? Can I overpower him somehow? Is rejection going to make him angry and dangerous? Every woman does some split-second assessment every time she interacts with a guy she doesn't know. More often than not, it seems like the safe bet is to use body language, try to extract yourself without offending him, or just ignore him. Which is bullshit, because it puts the onus on the woman to not get harassed.
It's a fine line to walk. Hell, it's an impossible line to walk.
Most guys mean well. If they're being threatening, it's probably not intentional. They may be oblivious, but they're probably not dangerous.
But the guys who just don't care? They skew everything. And addressing the problem will require a shift across the board. We need to change the way we talk about harassment and gender equality, what we teach our kids about how to treat each other, how we confront people who are perpetuating harassment. The victim blaming has to stop. Demonising every man who makes a stupid comment has to stop. We must be willing to communicate, to listen, and to turn uncomfortable situations into teachable moments.
We have to recognise that this will take time, and it will likely fall on my generation to implement lasting change; sometimes people just can't seem to move past the way things used to be.
I've said this before, but it feels like it bears repeating:
Now is the time to speak out when you see discrimination, to stand up against racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and hate. Now is the time to be an inspiration.
Let’s be the change we want to see.
