So it's been awhile... and that's ok

 Some days it's hard to be positive.

If the past year and a half has taught me anything, it's that it's okay to not be okay. But even then, it's exhausting. I talk a lot about how mental health is important, how you should try to control what you can and accept what you can't. But saying it and living it are two different things.

I've been in a rut. My low-level disquiet has started to simmer and is trying to manifest as depression and obsessive behavior. I find myself obsessing over my blood sugars, skipping meals, fighting the urge to drink more than I should, and fighting a degree of body dysmorphia. And then just as quickly I swing the other direction and could not give two shits about my diabetes and subsist off of yogurt, chocolate, and booze (which, oddly enough, plays really well with my numbers).

I tell myself that it's because the world has changed over the past 2 years and has finally wore me down, that I'm terrible at disconnecting from the real world and work and need to let things go. But the degree of truth in that is hard to discern. I'm restless in almost every aspect of my life. I want to drop off the grid and go play and just be for a couple months, but I'm just don't know how much running away would make things better. 

Pretty sure this is the headspace where people shave their heads or get a big tattoo but really should not be making major decisions. 

I've been trying to find productive hobbies. I've been doing a lot of research for a podcast that a friend and I are doing (well, a reboot. It's called The Diacast and it's cool, you should listen to it). I've been doing a lot of weight training and trying to actually develop some muscle definition (it's starting to pay off, I now have discernible abs, although definitely not a six pack). But at the end of the day, it's just a distraction from the general discontent. But I have gotten really good at making sourdough bread.

So I try to remind myself to follow my own advice - that it's ok to not be ok, to give myself the same grace and consideration I try to bestow upon others. 

And just as a shameless plug (and cuz I really do think we're doing good work), you should go check out the podcast. Even for non-diabetics, I think it's fun and educational, and also my obsession with Snickers is front and center.

Anyways. Just figured I'd post something to prove that the blog lives and I swear I haven't given up on it, just... been distracted and unmotivated.